The Return Home

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. ~ Hebrews 12:11 niv


Last week I was at Holy Cross Monastery in New York.  


This week I am at home.  


I had hoped that the quietness and peacefulness, the serenity of the gently following Hudson would follow me home, but I have found that it is very difficult to transfer the peace of the monastery to your home life.  The differences are vast - and not just the obvious ones...


Don't get me wrong.  I love being at home with my family and for the most part, during the day, it is relatively quiet - with the exception of dogs that bark at the blowing wind and a ferret busy being a thief.  Can I be honest when I say that I could very easily slip into a life as a monk?  Ok...maybe only parts of it.  I loved being able to sit up into the night writing and reading and studying scripture, listening to the bell toll for services and the hand bell call us in to meals.  And while we are on the subject of food, let me say - I love to drink wine and create a gourmet meal at home - but make no mistake - the monks and guests at Holy Cross eat well...almost too well(is that even possible?).  They have a gourmet chef who studied at a real culinary school and I will just say this...we were not eating slop.  The sheer delight of not knowing what would be on my plate when I arrived at each meal was a true blessing because at home I always make the decisions on what our family eats.  I could go on and on about the differences between home and Holy Cross, but there is really only one that matters.


At Holy Cross, I had no distractions.  I woke to a bell tolling, birds chirping and a gentle breeze blowing  and I fell asleep in complete silence.  Meals were prepared for me and all I had to do was worship, pray, garden, eat, write, read, study and sleep.  There were times I was actually still - completely still - and just listened to God.  The monks chanted psalms which sounded divine to my ears.  After the last service of the evening, silence was in effect until after breakfast the following morning. And I, the infamous promise maker, made a promise to myself that when I returned home, I was going to keep my daily life as simple as possible.


It lasted all of about 5 minutes.


And by Monday - well, that promise I made had already fled like a thief under the cover of night.  Distractions have abounded this week.  Some good and some bad.  I find the ones that really have derailed me this week causing stress have been the ones that have kept me from meeting my writing goals.  It made me think about an e-mail that someone sent me telling me that the devil hated me and that he would do anything to derail my writing because it brings God glory.  I grabbed my journal and began reading my first entry.  It was after Compline on Tuesday evening.  This is the final service of the day and afterwards silence is in effect.  There are specific verses during this service that are chanted on specific days and on Tuesday and Friday it would be ~I Peter 5:8-9a ~ "Be sober, be watchful.  Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  Resist him, firm in your faith." 


I remember sitting in this service remembering the e-mail from my friend and making a promise that I would not allow distractions.  None.  I even wrote a prayer to myself and I will share it in a moment...but first I want to say something and I want to be clear...


I am a threat to the devil.  And so are you.  If we weren't, we wouldn't even be a blip on his screen.  


God has asked us as Christians to follow Him and walk in the good works He has given us and when we are doing exactly that, we threaten the devils schemes.  When we allow distractions to derail our daily mission to follow God, we give the devil opportunity to succeed.  I know and can honestly say, I do not ever want to give the devil an opportunity to step into my life at any time.  Not in my daily walk with God.  Not in my marriage.  Not in my family.  Not ever.  Not in any way.  But how crafty he is!  How sly!  How cunning!  How easy it is for him to disrupt my good intentions...but you know what they say about good intentions - the road to hell is paved with them.  And the reason why is our good intentions are never going to be enough when we are living for God.  Our intentions are not His plan.  If we are going to be successful in our daily walk with God, we have to stay focused on the One who matters and that would not be the devil.  He is called the enemy for a reason.  Through the past few years, I have learned how powerful this enemy of ours is, but I have also learned how powerful God is and God has no equal.  God will never be defeated and the devil is fighting a lost battle.  I need that reminder every day when I step out of the bed.  I need it every night before I go to sleep and when I wake up during the wee hours of the morning while darkness hovers.  A few times throughout the day wouldn't be a bad idea either.  It is a reminder that I do not have to have good intentions for anything.  I simply need to be obedient to the One who is ruler over my life.  Obedience does not require any intention on my part, good or otherwise.  It requires discipline to pray the prayer God laid on my heart and trust in God to guide me in His ways to complete His will....


Elizabeth,
you will only be fearful when your faith is small.  Trust in God for you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.  Even so, be sober and be watchful for the devil, a roaring, hungry lion who seeks and wishes to devour you.  But there is hope - you can resist him.  You will resist him.  Be strong in your faith by putting on the Whole Armor of God - so gird your waist with Truth and put on the Breastplate of Righteousness and shod your feet with the Gospel of Peace, but above all, take the Shield of Faith with you always that you may quench the fiery darts of the wicked one.  Take the Helmet of Salvation and the Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God.  Pray always with prayer and supplication in the Spirit being watchful to the end with Perseverance.  Always ask believing in the Mighty name of Jesus Christ your Savior and Redeemer. Amen.


I may be the infamous promise maker and breaker, but God is the Promise Keeper.  The Bible is filled with His promises to us.  I know I can stand believing in Him, trusting in Him, on any promise He makes me.  And so can you.

Early Morning

A twinkle in the eye means joy in the heart, 
and good news makes you feel fit as a fiddle. ~ Proverbs 15:30 the message


This morning I awoke at 3:30 to soft footfalls on the stairs.  Soon after a few more.  I waited and then the front door opened and closed.  Silence.  Marco barked twice and then Wye twice more.  I had waited for the shower - my cue that it was almost time for them to leave.  Somehow, I missed it.  I walked downstairs.  The house dark.  Silent.  Humid.  Lonely.  As the car pulled away.  At least the dogs got to say goodbye...


Logan and his girlfriend are on their way to Georgia to visit our family.  Last night, by contrast, was anything but quiet.  As we discussed directions and packing and make sure you don't forget this and that and Devon's puppy, Hobo, tried to eat Poe which Poe became very upset about.  She bristled up all over and stared at Hobo from my shoulder beneath my hair.  Hobo is trying to figure out just what Poe is so upset about.  I made a wisecrack and then it happened amidst the swirl and commotion.


Devon began to laugh.  


Once Devon begins to laugh, everyone laughs.  She has one of those contagious laughs - I call it the baby laugh.  You know the one I am talking about...when a baby starts to laugh at something and then can't stop.  Soon, everyone is laughing.  Not at what the baby is laughing at, but because the baby is laughing.  It is contagious and it feels good.  I can see why Logan adores her.  It makes me like her even more.  They are so at ease and content with each other.  You can't help but enjoy being in their presence.


So as I lay piled up on the couch staring out the picture window and licking my wounds at being denied my chance at a hug and a goodbye wave, the sun began to rise.  At first the light filtered through branches that were black as night, but then the sky lightened to the clearest blue and somewhere in between, the humidity lifted and cool breezes began to drift through the window.  The sun shone bright on the green wafting oak leaves and sparkled on the dewy clover.  Birds sang an opera.  And I, well, I marveled at creation.  It is rare that I am ever up at sunrise.  I just can't force myself to get up that early unless it is absolutely necessary.  I am a night owl.  I love to sit under a full moon and watch stars appear one by one in a dark sky.  But I love the afternoon sun as well and the warmth on my face.  But this morning was a rare jewel.  A little gift for a Saturday morning when I was feeling lazy...I mean, after all, isn't that what Saturday mornings are for - sleeping in beneath a down comforter under an open window as perfect breezes blow.


Today I found God in the rarely seen gift of early morning light.  Today I found God when I remembered Devon's laugh.  Just knowing Logan will be with her today and knowing that it will bring him happiness because he will be hearing that laugh and in turn will make him laugh, makes me happy.  I look forward to their return and to catching their contagious happiness because today I found God there.  And once you find God somewhere, you want to be in that place all the time.

My Two Favorite Things: Waiting and Planning

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. ~ Isaiah 40:31


"I love sleep.  My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"~ Ernest Hemingway

Yes.  I do know.  

We plan. God laughs.  How many times have I heard that particular phrase uttered by those around me?

Yesterday afternoon, for example, a shipment arrived on my front porch.  A shipment that was due to arrive ten days ago.  So on a day when I had planned to write all day long with no interruptions, I had to stop and take care of the contents of the packages.  Why?  Because they were live plants and needed to be unpacked immediately after traveling in a ground UPS shipment for who knows how long.  So the tedious project of unpacking the protective cardboard and plastic and inspecting three boxes of flowers took about two hours.  A two hour interruption that I hadn't planned on when I did not particularly even want a break.  Then it was time to cook dinner and put away the laundry that I had neglected.  So now I have begun today behind.

I live my life in a state of perpetual behind-ness.  A kind of waiting and planning purgatory that I can never escape.  I am an impatient person.  I have trouble waiting on God even when I know that He knows better than me what is good for me.  Even in those times when I know, deep down, that I am not ready for what I want Him to do in my life.  I still hate the waiting.   I am not good at it and God knows this.  But the things I hate even more are the things I wait on in life.  Those packages that have to be dealt with that never seem to arrive when the time is there to deal with them, they only arrive when the time is spoken for and I am focused.  When I am trying to do what I think God is wants me to do, life just creeps in and gets in the way and I find myself frustrated and screaming to an empty room about it all.  

Yet, we all have to sleep.  Even insomniacs like myself, sleep eventually.  In sleep, I find the perfect excuse to forget about it all until the next morning.  And then things are haywire and out of control again within minutes of waking.  The anxiety begins to build and I am frozen in place, struggling to know which way to turn to organize the daily chaos.  We live in a world where most things that we desire, we can obtain instantly.  I find myself today wishing there were some button I could just push to organize the chaos.  A remote control for my life.  The buttons would be simple - no interruptions would be the big round button in the center.  I would have buttons for the laundry to be done for me, dinner to be on time, no knocks on my office door, telemarketer screening.  Simple things.  Life things.  The pesky little things that get in the way of the important things.  I have learned that when you are a writer, people assume two things.  First, that it is not work and the words just appear with no thought or effort.  Second, your time is flexible enough to work around their schedule.  If I had a "job" and left every morning to go to the office and I had a "boss" that I had to answer to, I would be taken more seriously and my time would be more precious.  The truth is I do go to the office everyday.  It just happens to be in the downstairs of my house.  And I do have a boss and He expects me to get things done without letting everything else get in the way.  He expects me to take my "job" seriously and do my best as perfectly as I am capable of so He can do His.  I will step out here and say that I think this is every bit as important as working a "real" job to pay the bills.  I will also say that just like when that real job gets in the way and something has to be put off for a time, that it is alright if my job gets busy and I have to let the laundry go for a day or two or just very simply shut my office door and not feel guilty about not being there for everybody, every second.

It sounds like I am complaining.  I am not.  This is my own fault and I have just recognized t to be so.  For so long, I haven't taken myself seriously as a writer.  I haven't expected to left alone to write and my office door is always open because, first and foremost, I am a wife and a mother.  But now the pressure is on.  I have until July 25th to finish a manuscript, write a proposal and meet with the publisher who has so graciously given up her precious time to meet with me.  

God is saying to me, "I am giving you an opportunity.  Don't blow it.  I am serious about you and you need to be serious about yourself and what I have asked you to do."  

Yikes!  

Double gulp! 

And Yikes! again.

So, yes, I love sleep.  Why not?  Everything works out in our dreams.  Somehow though, I know, if God is for me, no one can be against me.  I know that nothing He places His hands on will never stay nothing.  I know in the end, it will all come together.  The note cards and pieces of paper that are taped to the wall and the back of the door that my son calls the "real" chaos will eventually become a manuscript and somehow the proposal will be convincing that the manuscript is worthy of being read.  And someday, when God is ready for it to, that manuscript will become a book on a bookstore shelf that will be plucked off and purchased by the person (hopefully many persons) that need to read the words contained within.  I just have to take God seriously and trust Him to make it all happen.  I know I can not do it without Him because life gets in the way.  I know it will happen again....no, I don't own a crystal ball.  The shipment that arrived yesterday said that boxes 1, 2 and 3 arrived out of a total of 4.  And God is the only One who knows when it will appear.

Perfectness

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. ~Isaiah 26:3 nkjv
      

Today I found God in the perfect velvety softness of my dog's ear. 


Last night I had promised myself that today I would be focused.  I make that promise to myself a lot.  The truth is no matter how focused I try to be something always seems to grab my attention away.  Before I know it, the day is over and I am laying in bed telling God, "tomorrow, I will be focused.  I promise."  So imagine my surprise when I come downstairs to start the coffee brewing and realize that the dogs are not under my feet begging to go outside.  I leave the kitchen passing back into the living room and spot the dogs.  Logan's dog, Wye, is laying beside the sofa and my dog, Marco, is sitting up staring at the sofa.  My son is snoring like a freight train.  From the other room.  It took a moment to register that the man I was staring at was not Logan.  Marco looked at me and then back at the sofa.  I ran to Logan's room and demanded to know exactly who was on the couch.  "oh that's BJ," I am told.  "He didn't have a place to stay last night so I offered him the couch.  He was in the army."  I assume the last statement was to reassure me that it was alright that I awoke to find a stranger in the house, on the couch.  Then the famous last words, "Pop knew.  He was supposed to tell you. Could you make some coffee?"  I agreed not really finished with my line of questioning and then I remembered - today I am focused.  It is Tuesday, I reminded myself.  It is blog day, I underscored mentally for emphasis.  I rushed upstairs to get my shower so I can begin the day focused.  Then I came back downstairs, made myself a cup of coffee and just as I step back through the threshold from the kitchen to the hallway headed for my writing room, Marco barks, looks at me and then at the sofa and a head pokes from beneath the cover and says, "Hi."  I reply hello and tell him the coffee is on anxious to get busy being focused.  Not so fast.  BJ wanted to chat.  Not wanting to be rude, I chatted.  Then a few moments later, Logan emerges from his cave and wants to join the conversation.  And I just want to be focused.  Then my opportunity came.  They stepped outside and I stepped into my office.  I forgot to close the door.  They returned.  Conversations picked up where they had left off, guitars came out.  Now it is 3 pm.  And I am just now getting focused.  My dog lays his head on my leg as I type and reaching over I gently rub his ear.  The softness steals my attention away from the words that I so desperately try to type, the perfect words that I so desperately want you to read that today I seem destined not to find.  I look at his ear.  It looks like black velvet and is softer than anything I have ever touched.  He is making that happy groaning noise as I type with one hand and then he flops down at my feet.  Content.  Satisfied.  I once wrote in my journal that like a dog at his owner's feet, I was the most content and happy as I lay at God's feet dreaming of what He would do with my life, the ways He would use me and that like my dog, I was at my happiest just following Him around.


Today as I attempted to be focused on my writing, I had a revelation.  God wants me to be focused on Him.  And some days, my focus needs to be elsewhere.  I can set all the deadlines I want, but in the end, if I am focused on God, then it will all get done.  In His time.  Because His timing is perfect  Today someone needed kindness and last night he needed a couch.  The gift I received in return far outweighed anything I did or said.  BJ was admiring Logan's guitar and I told him I had a Les Paul upstairs.  His eyes lit up.  "You think I could see it?  Maybe play it?"  For an hour, Logan and I watched in amazement as BJ played one song after another in a private concert.  Then he revealed he had only been playing a few years.  I couldn't believe it.  I thought he had had formal lessons, but, no.  He had taught himself.  He offered to help me learn a few things about playing guitar and I eagerly accepted.  BJ showed me patience and kindness as my fingers fumbled over the fret board when his played so smoothly. He gently placed my fingers where they needed to be and instructed me on how long to hold down the string.  Before I realized what was happening, I was playing part of a song because I focused on what he was saying.  And it was then that it hit me.  God couldn't just tell me.  He had to show me.  "Just focus on me," He whispered in my ear as I strummed the last note, "and every word will just be written just like I want it to right when I want it to be."  For me, it has always been about focusing on my writing because I know it is what God is calling me to do.  For God, it is teaching me about focusing on Him so He can perfect my writing so He can use it to His good and His glory.  


Today I am learning to find God in perfect places that long ago I would have never known as perfect.  Today I found God in a guitar lesson.  Today I found Him in the perfect velvety softness of my dog's ear.