Happy Birthday Logan!

I thank my God every time I remember you. ~ Philippians 1:3 niv


Nineteen years ago today, I was on my way to the hospital.  My first son was about to be born and I was only 5 ½ hours away from holding him in my arms for the very first time.  Ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes, chubby rosey cheeks, the bluest eyes and a perfect Apgar score of 10.  He was a great baby, a determined toddler, a spirited child and as far as teenagers go...well, he was above average.  I think that most parents of teenagers can agree, if you have more good than bad, then, even though we do, can we really complain?


Over the years, we have had our ups and downs, and by no means am I trying to paint you a picture that there was always a halo and never two sprouted horns above his head.  I had to change out the crib for a toddler bed when he was ten months old because he would climb out of it.  I was terrified that one day he would fall out and break his neck.  When he was 18 months old, he discovered that he could climb to the back of a living room chair and when I would turn around, he would jump.  My heart stopped every time even though he would always, somehow, manage to land on his feet.  Mischief has always abounded.  He has done things that have made me want to bang my head against the wall, but he has also done things that made me so proud I cried tears of joy.  He is someone who I can pray with and laugh with.  He is someone who encourages me when I feel defeated and challenges me with his own opinions and ideas in a discussion.  He is someone who amazes me with his spiritual knowledge, insight and understanding.  I have marveled at words of wisdom and groaned at words uttered at the most inappropriate of times.  I know as a mother, I have often wondered if the decisions I make as a parent are the right ones.  As parents, we often struggle with the decisions we make because we know that the outcome many times can have a ripple effect that invades their future and the obvious hope is that the lasting effect is a positive one.  The older he became, the more time I spent on my knees in prayer and still often wonder if I can ever spend enough time there.  I know that the reality is, no, I can not.
Of all the prayers I have prayed - general and specific - the most important was one of relenquishment.  Five years ago, I was at a place of exasperation.  Nothing I did as a mother seemed to be right and this wonderful relationship we had always shared seemed to be falling apart.  A crack had appeared and seemed to be ever widening.  I knew it was more than him just growing up.  I struggled with what God wanted me to do and learn.  Discernment of the situation eluded me.  The fear of losing him, physically and emotionally, persecuted me.


Yet, God was speaking to me. The story of Abraham seemed to be everywhere.  I would hear it at church, it showed up in my daily devotional readings - in e-mails and in my books.  It even showed up on the two Christian radio stations I listen to.  One day, I finally got my bible out and began to study about Abraham and his faith.  It was only then that I really understood.  I had to relenquish Logan to God because he had been entrusted to me.  He was a gift to me.  Logan is really God’s child, not mine.  I am just a steward.  A guardian.  It is my job to seek God’s instruction on how to pray, teach and raise him.  Most importantly, to have a faith like Abraham’s, I had to not only know but trust that God’s way is the only way, and so I might have that same strong faith, I must trust and be obedient in all situations.  This was the day my prayers for Logan changed.  I knew when I began praying, no matter what happened in his life,  God  would handle it His way and that even though in my field of vision it might not seem it, God had the situation under control.  This does not mean that I always stay calm.  It does not mean that I do not have moments of distress and worry.  Nor does it mean that I do not spend time in disagreement with God because I am human and sometimes I think that I do know best.  In those times, I am sure I give God great amusement with my plans of how it should all be handled.  However, I have learned, it is when I stray from God’s way that I mess it all up and when I walk in His ways everything is right and perfect and good.


I thank God for this gift of my child, in good times and in bad times.  The law says a year ago he became an adult.  I know at 19, he is a man, but to me, he is still that wide-eyed child ready to jump from the high back of a chair just to see the surprise on my face.